I hope to be able to look back one day with fond memories and laugh at the realization that it all started with spray painted nonsense, SnoozCream, on the Raper’s garage.  Yes, I did say the Raper’s garage.  The dirty old man, we referred to as the Raper, who lived next door to me while I grew up.  Neighborhood legend has it, (this comes from the same guy who offered me $20 to burn a house down, caught a possum with his bare hands, and had toe nails that would make any man uneasy) he was a pedophile and children should stay away from him.  I’m sure he has his redeeming qualities but my mom wasn’t about to risk my virgin ass to find out what those were.  As far as she was concerned God is fair…In fact I’ve seen retards with huge dicks and on the flipside I have a friend that looks like a wooley mammoth with opposable thumbs that has a self described ‘rice cock’.  Not sure where this is going, but I think I’m trying to say just because this guy likes touching children doesn’t mean he isn’t a great cook….or something.  It all works out in the end.  I certainly wasn’t allowed to play near his garage though, but there almost always were a couple of kids playing and talking with him as he worked on a lawn mower engine in his baggy tank top wrinkly old man boobs draping out of the corners as he bent down, saggy balls not far behind I’d imagine, playing peek-a-boo with his old Bike athletic shorts…coincidence, maybe, but that goes against my better judgment.  Any who, the Raper is long gone and now an abandoned house and garage sit adjacent to my parent’s house.  The place is so dilapidated it needs to be burned to the ground.  We joke that the spirits of all the lost innocent souls of the Raper’s garage would creep out like the black things from the movie Ghost and drag you away like they did Willie Lopez, as the flames destroyed the walls of this unholy rape haven.  

On this unholy garage spray painted the simple phrase 'SnoozCream'….twice.  And so SnoozCream was born.  
                                          

So what exactly is SnoozCream one might ask?  Good question with endless answers, none of which I could with 100% certainty dismiss as incorrect.  This brings us to wondering what state of mind, besides reckless tomfoolery, this nefarious ruffian was in when he/she coined the phrase SnoozCream and felt the innate need to post it, twice, on the Raper’s unholy rape quarters. I want to know what the true definition of SnoozCream is, but at the same time I do not want it to lose its mysterious ambiguity.  

This leads me to what my brothers and I deemed the most appropriate definition for SnoozCream but it unquestionably does not mean this has to be your meaning.  SnoozCream is like the word ‘smurf’ in the classic cartoon with all the little blue people, Gargamel, Azrael, and of course we can’t forget the beautiful whore Smurfette.  Really!?, one chick for an entire village.  You better believe they are stirring the pot with that little floozy.  Anyway, we came to a loose agreement that SnoozCream meant to kind of get one over on another person, to dupe them or trick them in a mischievous sort of way.  Here’s an example, as I stated in a previous article I’m married and my penis is more obsolete than a beta VCR and I most positively was SnoozCreamed at my bachelor party.  In many of my friends opinions, and I use that term 'friend' rather loosely here, I was waaaay too sober at a particular point during the evening and the “dancers”, otherwise known as women who had terrible fathers, were going to be arriving shortly.  My brother, Puffy Nipples, decides to take it upon himself to remedy this situation.  In short, he SnoozCreamed me.  He did this by pouring shots of vodka into my beers, me being none the wiser.  I go from nice buzz to bamboozled in about an hour.  The rest of my night is a time traveling blur.  Apparently, Rice Cock tells me I was being ‘dirty’ with the nice dancing women with terrible fathers, all while some of my better friends kept my future father in law at bay, not allowing him to see me in this filthy SnoozCreamed position, getting a beating with my own belt that would even make the Raper cringe.  I woke up the next day with fuzzy recollections of what happened the night before in a cut off tank top that my friend Lumbergh made me that said “I love big, fat, sloppy, black asses”, only to come to and realize that I am the Godfather to my niece and have to get to the christening in an hour.  Ladies and gentlemen, I was SnoozCreamed. 

To all those that have been SnoozCreamed.....

I never realized how many times in my life, I had been screwed, swindled, bamboozled, sham-basted, sharjackeled, you name it, make up an onomatopoeia for it. Then one summer, I realized that all of these years I really had just been the culprit of many years of getting SnoozCreamed, and I owe this epiphany to some local graffiti artists.
 
I began getting SnoozCreamed at an early age.  I believe that anyone with an older brother is just destined to be on the wrong end of some Snooz’n.  By being a younger brother of a weird, ear-fetish, privacy invading older brother, I was subjected to many things.  The earliest I remember, would be after my younger years as a steadfast paperboy. You see, I had my own route, and my lackadaisical older brother would get up to do his papers about the time I was finished…I would be asleep on the couch and he would come home, want that prized piece of couch cushion, so he would do one of two things.  He would either weasel his way between me and the back of the couch, ultimately pushing me off, or play the old “poking in the eyes game” until I submitted.  And that was the beginning, SNOOZ-CREAMED.  I can remember one other paper route story as well. I ended up getting loaded at my brothers' friends place and passing out, only to have them set all of the clocks ahead and then wake you in a panic screaming "your late for papers,” even though it is really only 2:30am… SNOOZ BNEWS'ED-CREAMED!    Getting tied up by your brother, because he told you "it will be cool" and then laying there helpless while your mother beats you with a broom.  SNOOZ-CREAMED!  Thinking it would be a good idea to go "swimming" with your older brothers' girlfriend and her girlfriends in their bras and panties in your buddy Fuller's pool.  REGRETTFULLY SNOOZ-CREAMED!  Your brother wearing your new gear from the mall before you do, JUDAS PRIEST F'ING SNOOZ-CREAMED!

Now I have been on the wrong end of some SNOOZ-CREAMIN, and here are just a few that I have witnessed or been a part of...  To begin, my brother stabbing another brother with a knife over a piece of steak, SNOOZ-CREAMED!  NOT ON STEAK NIGHT!  My dad breaking a plate over my other brother's head at the dinner table for running his smart-ass mouth, SNOOZ-CREAMED!  Good thing DSS wasn’t watching.  Driving over to the PENTHOUSE after church and waking my buddy up by ripping off his blankets while he tries to cover his moss-covered naked body, and then pointing and laughing.  You know, you think that the kid would learn to wear some clothes to bed on Saturday night.  We did it week after week, but he never once thought, “oh shit its Saturday night, I better put on some boxers because I know who is going to come over and rip the blankets off of my naked recently abused body,” not once did he think it, so that was a deserving SNOOZCREAM.  Or another sick bastard I know who would call over a neighbor and then hide in the bushes and snipe this kid with his BB gun...sick shit I know, I mean the kid didn't have a chance. 

I could go on and on with this, but the simple fact of the matter is we all have been on both ends of a little Snooz Creamin...embrace it, Snooz Happens.